La Crítica Gastronómica
(The Food Critic)
A Remedios Gallego le gustaba opinar sobre la comida ajena con la misma autoridad con la que un cirujano habla de tumores.
Remedios Gallego liked to give her opinion on other people's food with the same authority with which a surgeon speaks about tumours.
Nunca habia estudiado cocina ni habia trabajado en un restaurante, pero esto, lejos de frenarla, parecia otorgarle una confianza sobrenatural.
She had never studied cookery nor had she worked in a restaurant, but this, far from holding her back, seemed to grant her a supernatural confidence.
Se habia autoproclamado critica gastronomica del barrio de Triana, y publicaba sus veredictos en un blog que nadie le habia pedido y que todo el mundo leia en secreto.
She had proclaimed herself food critic of the Triana neighbourhood, and she published her verdicts on a blog that nobody had asked her for and that everybody read in secret.
El problema empezo cuando le fue encargada una reseña del nuevo restaurante de Paco Bermudez, un cocinero al que se le atribuia haber reinventado la tortilla de patatas.
The problem started when she was commissioned to write a review of the new restaurant belonging to Paco Bermudez, a chef who was credited with having reinvented the potato omelette.
Remedios, que consideraba que la tortilla no necesitaba ser reinventada por nadie, acepto el encargo con el entusiasmo de quien se prepara para una guerra justa. <<Ire, probare y destruire>>, le anuncio a su marido, Esteban, que levanto la vista del periódico con la resignacion de un hombre que llevaba treinta años siendo testigo de cruzadas similares.
Remedios, who considered that the omelette did not need to be reinvented by anyone, accepted the commission with the enthusiasm of someone preparing for a just war. <<I shall go, I shall taste, and I shall destroy,>> she announced to her husband, Esteban, who looked up from his newspaper with the resignation of a man who had spent thirty years witnessing similar crusades.
Al llegar al restaurante, Remedios se sento en la mesa que le habian asignado y examino el menu con el ceno fruncido de un juez que lee una sentencia de muerte.
Upon arriving at the restaurant, Remedios sat down at the table they had assigned her and examined the menu with the frown of a judge reading a death sentence.
El camarero, un joven llamado Felix, le explico que la tortilla deconstructiva del chef Bermudez habia sido elogiada por tres periodicos nacionales.
The waiter, a young man called Felix, explained to her that Chef Bermudez's deconstructed omelette had been praised by three national newspapers.
Remedios lo miro como si acabara de confesarle un crimen. <<Que tres periodicos elogien una tortilla no significa que la tortilla merezca ser elogiada>>, respondio. <<También elogiaron la burbuja inmobiliaria.>>
Remedios looked at him as if he had just confessed a crime to her. <<The fact that three newspapers praise an omelette does not mean the omelette deserves to be praised,>> she replied. <<They also praised the property bubble.>>
Cuando la tortilla fue servida, Remedios la observo en silencio durante un minuto entero.
When the omelette was served, Remedios observed it in silence for a whole minute.
Era, en efecto, una creacion insolita: la patata habia sido convertida en espuma, el huevo habia sido transformado en una gelatina transparente, y la cebolla habia sido reducida a un polvo dorado que parecia purpurina comestible.
It was, indeed, an unusual creation: the potato had been turned into foam, the egg had been transformed into a transparent jelly, and the onion had been reduced to a golden powder that looked like edible glitter.
Remedios tomo un bocado.
Remedios took a mouthful.
Mastico lentamente.
She chewed slowly.
Cerro los ojos.
She closed her eyes.
Y entonces ocurrio algo que jamás habria esperado que le sucediera: le gusto.
And then something happened that she would never have expected to happen to her: she liked it.
El dilema era insoportable.
The dilemma was unbearable.
Remedios habia construido toda su reputacion sobre el desprecio.
Remedios had built her entire reputation on contempt.
Si escribia una reseña positiva, seria acusada de haberse vendido.
If she wrote a positive review, she would be accused of having sold out.
Si escribia una reseña negativa, estaria mintiendo.
If she wrote a negative review, she would be lying.
Paso tres dias encerrada en su despacho, redactando borradores que rompia con furia.
She spent three days shut away in her study, drafting manuscripts that she tore up in fury.
Esteban le llevaba café y galletas sin decir palabra, consciente de que cualquier comentario habria sido interpretado como una provocacion.
Esteban brought her coffee and biscuits without saying a word, aware that any remark would have been interpreted as a provocation.
Finalmente, Remedios encontro la solución.
Finally, Remedios found the solution.
Publicó una reseña en la que afirmaba que el restaurante de Paco Bermudez era tan extraordinariamente bueno que resultaba sospechoso. <<Es imposible que un plato sea tan perfecto sin que haya algun tipo de trampa>>, escribio. <<Recomiendo a mis lectores que vayan, pero que vayan con cautela.
She published a review in which she stated that Paco Bermudez's restaurant was so extraordinarily good that it was suspicious. <<It is impossible for a dish to be so perfect without there being some kind of trick,>> she wrote. <<I recommend my readers go, but go with caution.
La excelencia, cuando es excesiva, debe ser investigada.>> La reseña fue compartida miles de veces.
Excellence, when it is excessive, should be investigated.>> The review was shared thousands of times.
Bermudez, que no sabia si sentirse halagado o insultado, decidio que lo mas prudente seria invitarla a cenar otra vez.
Bermudez, who did not know whether to feel flattered or insulted, decided that the most prudent thing would be to invite her to dinner again.
Remedios acepto encantada.
Remedios accepted with delight.
Después de todo, una investigación rigurosa requiere multiples visitas.
After all, a rigorous investigation requires multiple visits.
Key Vocabulary
opinar to give one's opinion, to opine
otorgar to grant, to bestow
el veredicto verdict
la resena review, critique
el ceno fruncido frown, furrowed brow
elogiar to praise, to compliment
el desprecio contempt, disdain
halagar to flatter
la cautela caution, wariness
la burbuja inmobiliaria property bubble, housing bubble